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Accepting flaws.

Friday, April 27, 2007 by  
Filed under Daily Blog

April
27
2007

This morning I weighed in at a new 2007 cutting low of 200.4 pounds. Wow. Part of me is, of course, happy that the fat is coming off, but there’s a part of me that’s a little freaked out knowing I’ll be dropping below 200 pounds any day now. My strength and the size of my muscles are both still where I want them to be, so I guess the main reason I’m even thinking about it is because dropping below 200 pounds really drives home the point that I put on way too much fat over my 2006 winter bulk. I mean, I was 236 pounds a few months ago! I’ve lost almost 36 pounds since January, and it’s almost all been fat. Dietary mistakes were made on my last bulk – no doubt about that – but I did put on some quality muscle, especially in my lats and delts.

My whole body looks very lean right now, but that stubborn fat below my belly button remains. In fact it looks worse than ever because the rest of my body is so tight. It really stands out, and yes – it drives me crazy. I’ve worked my butt off, and it annoys the living hell out of me that I’m still wrestling with this lifelong problem area. I’m very hopeful that over the next month it will start to diminish, but I think it’s always going to be there like an persistent itch that I just can’t quite reach.

No, I’m not just whining about my problem area again. There’s a point here. Please, stay with me.

Most of us who undergo a transformation will eventually have to face the fact that reality doesn’t always align with what’s in our mind’s eye. Maybe it’s loose skin, maybe it’s the shape of your jawline, maybe it’s the way your abs don’t line up – whatever. There are some things that are out of our control, short of surgery. For me the most difficult aspect of my transformation has not been the sweat, the dedication, the hard work and the often bland diet. No, the hardest part of my transformation has been coming to grips with the fact that no matter what I do I may never have the body I always pictured in my mind. To this day I still wrestle with it. I can’t seem to accept it. Maybe that’s a good thing because it keeps me hungry, but maybe it’s not such a good thing. Don’t look to me for the answer, because I’m still struggling with it myself. I hope as I continue I will one day reach the point where I can be 100% comfortable with my body (and that change may very well be more mental than physical), but that day is not yet here.

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